


Loneliness (defined: the sadness created when one has no company)

by romantichopelessly



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/F, just Alana feelings dump, she has high functioning anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 05:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16907268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romantichopelessly/pseuds/romantichopelessly
Summary: Alana doesn't have a lot of friends. She has acquaintances. And that is her own fault, right?





	Loneliness (defined: the sadness created when one has no company)

**Author's Note:**

> just a rant fic  
> My DEH Tumblr is @/obsessedwithtrees

Alana was feeling…. something.

She wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Maybe it was just anxiety. Or boredom. Maybe she was still a bit disappointed that Zoe had turned her down the other day.

Maybe she was just tired.

Yes, of course, that had to be it, because Alana had been taking on a lot of extra projects and work, in what she said was preparation for a final resumé before she graduated, but may or may not have been to fill her time and keep herself busy. She had to be busy so that she wouldn’t feel like she did now, sitting on her bed, staring at her copy of Mrs. Dalloway, and not really absorbing the words.

In the past week Alana had been working herself to the bone trying to avoid this exact situation. She had taken on more extra credit for her AP Chemistry and Calculus classes, signed up to help orchestrate the Beta club meetings for the next few weeks, started a new recycling initiative in the school, begun an attempt to finish all of the books on her “Recommended Before You Enter College” reading list, started volunteering at a new animal shelter and the local clinic, and even tried to start a new club at the high school, but no one ended up joining.

Alas, it was all to no avail, as Alana sat on her bed with yet another eventless Friday night stretching before her.

Alana bit her lip, contemplating for a second before dropping her book and reaching over to her bedside table to check her phone again.

She felt a spark of hope when she saw a notification on the screen, but it was soon put out as she read the text from one of her dads, saying that he would be out late again.

Just in case, she unlocked her phone, and after shooting off a quick confirmation text to her dad, she looked through her messages. Of course, there were no other texts waiting for her. She read over her recent conversations anyway.

Jared had never responded to her “Hey! How are you?” message from yesterday. She didn’t dare text him again. Part of her mind told her that she should, make her friendly interest and want for conversation known, that maybe he had just been busy with Evan again yesterday, or never got the message at all. But it was the bigger part that was telling her that if she texted again, she would just end up looking desperate and he would eventually block her, even though every one of their interactions in the past month since she started calling him her friend had been positive.

Alana frowned slightly and scrolled down, trying to remove the temptation.

The next conversation she saw was with Evan. It wasn’t anything special. He had just asked a question about his Botany homework, and she had answered. Looking at her text now, she felt as if she had used too many exclamation points. Especially for a homework text. Really, who used that many exclamation points when talking about biology? No wonder Evan had only sent a quick thanks and left as soon as possible.

Alana felt as if something in her chest was tightening. She quickly moved on to the next conversation, the last one on her list.

Which, really, how pathetic was that? She only spoke to four people, including her own father.

It was her conversation with Zoe. Alana swallowed around the lump forming in her throat and opened it again.

Alana read and reread the text exchange for what felt like the millionth time. All she could see was what she had done wrong. She had come on to strong again, she hadn’t let Zoe speak, she had been too overpowering, too annoying, she had made it sound too much like a date, she had let Jared’s encouragement get to her, and look what it led to.

“Alana I really can’t today”

If Alana were anyone else, she would have been angry over how blatantly obvious the excuse was. But Alana wasn’t someone who could get mad about that. She understood it. If she had the choice, she wouldn’t want to hang around an annoying know-it-all with a stupid crush either.

Zoe just didn’t want to hang out with her. That was the fact of the matter.

Alana just had to get over it. Move on.

Stop forcing herself on people who didn’t want her.

Alana clicked out of the app and placed her phone back on the table. Out of reach, out of mind.

She pretended not to notice the quivering of her bottom lip, how misty her glasses were getting, how shaky her breathing became, or the way her hands were trembling as she picked her book back up.

She didn’t have time for all of that anyway. For now, she had to study.


End file.
